


stop faking it

by cowritten



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst with a happy ending?, Gen, Projecting, Qian Kun-centric, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Tic Disorder, Tourette's Syndrome, qian kun needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 06:35:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29622114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowritten/pseuds/cowritten
Summary: sometimes kun wish things were a little different
Kudos: 16





	stop faking it

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning
> 
> \- mild mention of tics  
> \- mild mention of suicidal thoughts  
> \- kun really hates his diagnosis and that makes him hate himself
> 
> english isn't my first language so bear with me, if you find any mistake please kindly let me know!!(￣▽￣*)ゞ

Things can't get any worse than this.

The feeling of wanting to stop but not having enough strength to do it, no, not strength, because if it was just about having strength or willpower, Kun would have decided long ago to use it to avoid having to go through this, not having an ounce of control over your body.

You know those times when you're with someone older who cares about you or the teachers in preschool who tell you that your body is the most sacred thing and we need to learn to take care of it. Kun grew up hearing those kinds of comments, he believed in them and even had it as a mantra, everything was easy at that time, to hold those words so close to his heart, it was so easy before the first time he felt the world come crashing down on him. 

He was so little, he couldn't have been more than ten years old and he didn't quite understand what was happening to him, his feelings were very confusing for a child of that age, but there is one that stood out and has prevailed ever since, **fear**. 

Now, fifteen years later, sitting in his studio chair in front of his computer staring at the screen, his mind going a mile per minute while his exterior looks calm, that feeling of fear prevails.

Today was supposed to be a day like any other, but from the first moment he opened his eyes he knew that things were not going to be normal, when he got out of bed he felt it, it was not like the other times, it was more intense, even so he tried to ignore it and continue as if nothing happened, he decided it was better to be alone for today to not risk exploding against someone who did not deserve his bad mood, that's how he chose to go to the studio and ended up at this moment.

He has been sitting for three hours now in front of his computer but has made no progress at all. His body is in that room, sitting in that chair in front of that table, but his mind just can't connect with what is going on around him, he feels out of it, as if he is not the person right there, his body every minute that passes getting more out of his control, the time goes slowly, his nerves just get worse, and the frustration is more and more palpable. It's just a stupid track, it shouldn't be that hard, he should be able to finish it or at least get it halfway through, but his stupid mind and body don't want to colaborate.

Sometimes he wonders why he had to be born this way, so damaged, it may sounds cruel but that's how he thinks his disorder works, it makes him feel like a mistake, reminding him that from the moment he came into this world he was born with a flaw. 

More and more tics become present to the point that he can't tell if one is worse than the other, the simple fact that he is having an attack is bad in itself, knowing that you have lost complete control of your body to the point that you don't know if the person making those strange movements and sounds is you. He can't help but think that, if there really is a god, he is the cruelest being for making him this way. Kun just wishes he could be normal, why the people around him can have the privilege of not living with this pain and misery that eats him up most days? and as much as he's supposed to feel guilty for that thought, he can't force himself to do so when he has had to live this way for more than half his life, because while they grew up without any disturbances Kun, had to adapt to a new way of living in which most of the road was traveled by himself, so maybe he deserves the right to be envious of what he could have had but was taken away from him. 

He does not deny that he grew up with love or rather up to what his parents had the capacity to give him. He does not blame them for the misfortune he is going through at this moment, it would be hypocritical on his part, in itself having a child like him is difficult enough, because it is not only the fear of what kind of person you will form for the future but also to what extent you will go to protect your child from the inevitable comments and looks he will receive, and there is no lack of people who will blame you for having brought into the world a "sick" child. So he tries as much as possible not to blame his parents for this, despite the void he had in him while his parents were trying to support him financially so he could have a good life, he was trying to cope with his disorder as quietly as possible while he immersed himself in his new life in a completely unknown country. Those were difficult years, where he had to hide his secret to the point of discomfort, he ended up developing more problems and bad thoughts, but that never stopped him from following his dream that in the end he managed to fulfill, maybe all the disaster he has carried with him since that time was worth it.

But days like today he can only wonder if that decision was the right one.

Kun, loves the other members who are going through this journey with him, loves the group that gave him a purpose when he felt he had lost everything, loves the fans that show him every day that his dream is no longer a dream and now it is reality, loves being able to feel and know all that, but, is love enough?, does he have to settle for that to make others happy while he suffers in silence? 

During the emotional crisis he has been having he realizes that his body has calmed down a little, he is still making movements against his will, but they don't compare to what he had to go through a while ago, his eyes had filled with tears that he wants to release but he doesn't feel worthy of it and there in front of him is his computer with the black screen reminding him how these hours have been just a waste of time. His studio is still the same, everything is still the same, that facts is supposed to calm him down but on the contrary, it makes him restless, he feels tired and his fear is still present, it is hard for him to observe how nothing has changed after the turmoil inside him, it is terrifying to know that the world would continue its course no matter if you are left behind. The desolation is there, reminding him of the loneliness he has lived with for years.

All he does is wipe his eyes, turn off his equipment, grab his stuff and close the studio. If today wasn't the day maybe tomorrow he can come back and make some real progress. 

During his walk to the dorm he thinks about how insignificant life is, we are all just tiny dust particles somewhere in this immense universe and yet we still choose to preoccupy our lives with the most insignificant problems. 

When he arrives and lies down in his bed, before closing his eyes, all he hopes is that _tomorrow everything will be better._

**Author's Note:**

> So I've actually been writing this fic since october of last year. I was going through a really bad chapter of my life, this job was a way of letting go of my bad thoughts and at the same time expressing the worst feelings i have about my disorder, but things only got harder for me and writing it didn't make me happy, i felt insecure, i hated what i was writing, so i kept it on hold, and when i started writing again i didn't like what i had, so i decided to erase everything and started from scratch. I still think this is not that good, but i just know that if I keep it in my drafts longer i will never publish it, so i took some courage and did it. The original version was darker and sadder, but while i was writing it all over again, i decided that I didn't want to give Kun a sad ending, what is fiction function if i can't give the character what i want to have. Though this work was more of a way of me to vent, i hope that people like me can feel comforted in knowing that they are not the only ones who feel this way sometimes.♡( ◡‿◡ )


End file.
